Kavi Reads

I could tolerate any form of cruelty better than kindness. Praise was a poison to me; I choked on it. I wanted the professor to shout at me, wanted it so deeply I felt dizzy from the deprivation. The ugliness of me had to be given expression. If it was not expressed in his voice, I would need to express it in mine

– Tara Westover

If there was any quote I could relate to more than anything, it would be this. And surprisingly, it came from someone whose life couldn’t have been more different than mine.

Another Bill Gates recommendation, Educated is the story of Tara Westover’s journey from her father’s junkyard to getting a PhD at Cambridge, all without ever having gone to school after a disfunctional upbringing under a paranoid father. Educated is an amazingly beautiful story, and it’s no surprise it’s spent so much time on the top of the New York Times bestseller list. Thanks to that, there are a hundred people waiting for the book at my library, and I had a hard deadline on when I had to return the book, and I don’t think I’ve ever had an easier time meeting one. The book was a compelling read throughout from stories of her childhood, to making it into BYU, then Harvard and eventually to Cambridge to get a PhD, all while struggling to maintain healthy relationships with her family.

Tara’s father sustained his growing family by building barns and hay sheds and by scrapping metal in his junkyard; his wife chipped in with her income from mixing up herbal remedies and from her reluctant work as an unlicensed midwife’s assistant and then a midwife. For most of her life, Tara’s family was surprisingly well to do, given the work they did. Not rich by any means for Tara had to scramble for a scholarship to continue going to college, but there was always food on the table. Of course, part of that was because there were no school or hospital fees ever paid. The father mistrusted all government establishments considering them part of the Illuminati, never allowing any of his seven children to go to school. And with the mother knowing midwifery, herbal medicine and energy healing, there were never any hospital visits either, whether it was brain injury or third-degree burns. The family was also strictly Mormon. In fact, the father often put forward his religious beliefs and the word of God as the reason for his paranoia. Most of the time outside of work and money was spent on gallons of fuel, food and ammunition buried to prepare for the “End of Days”.

Imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern in which one doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. I’ve always related to that, but not quite to Tara’s level. All her life she was told who she ought to be, with her entire worldview shaped by her father. Whether it was BYU, Harvard or Cambridge, she always had a strong sense of not-belonging. And for good reason. She grew up listening to her father criticise everyone for not being a true follower of God, constantly pointing out flaws in simple things like taking music or dance lessons and rolling up her sleeves on a hot summer day, calling them whorish. No wonder she is shocked her roommate who wears pink plush pJ’s with “Juicy” emblazoned on the rear. Moreover, growing up in the household she did, Tara never got a true education. She had to teach herself basic algebra and trigonometry to take the ACT and didn’t know what the Holocaust was until mentioned in a college lecture.

Growing up in a house full of doctors, I’ve always been taught the true value of education. “Studying is never a waste of time, regardless of application” is what my dad always said. I’ve taught myself many things, from computer programming to cooking, but I’ve never really had to drop my entire belief system and change my perception of the world to do so. This was the most impressive thing about Tara. It was through teaching herself history and philosophy that she was able to leave her father’s worldview behind and trust her own perceptions and judgements. And her talents and voracious hunger to learn are not hidden from professors either, earning her a fellowship at Cambridge University, thousands of miles away in terms of distance and millions in culture from where she grew up. It is a truly inspiring memoir. All this education comes at a cost, however. Tara is estranged from a lot of her family because of this process. Family is everything in life and it takes a lot to make leaving one’s family behind worth it. Yet Tara is never cruel to them. Even when talking about the fringed beliefs and habits of her father, she is still defending her father. Till the very end, she believes she can fix the broken relationships, but it is clear that the Westover family is divided into two. On one side, there are the parents and their four children who are financially dependent on them. And on the other are the three children who got their PhDs and decided to make their own lives. It is here one realizes just how courageous and almost tragic this testimonial really is.